How do you get what you want and still be a nice person?
I recently wrote that we are born assertive and in growing up, we are socialised into losing that ability. This particularly applies to women who are encouraged to ‘be more lady-like’ ‘need to have less to say for yourself’ and so on.
My not-quite-two years’ old granddaughter is a great example of assertive communication. A couple of weeks ago, her mother and I were enjoying catching up on the phone when Daddy came back with her and her two brothers. Above the chatter, I could hear Granddaughter asking no less than 7 times for milk/more milk and more milk peeese! And guess what? Yes. She got milk. Shortly afterwards, she tested positive for Covid and the GP sent her into hospital for a check-up. She wasn’t keen to let anyone touch her, because she wanted milk. So, the senior doctor headed off to the kitchen to get a mug of milk. The check-up continued and after some treatment, she was discharged home.
I’m certain that her parents won’t let her always have what she wants when she wants it. BUT, my point is that assertiveness is most definitely inbuilt, congenital and innate.
If you wonder why, you may be more passive than you would like, ask yourself these questions.
• How did your family handle conflict?
• If they disagreed with someone or were upset, how did they behave?
• How were you taught to handle conflict?
• How did you get your needs met without having to ask outright? Did you cry or make threats? Or did you think it was OK to be ignored?
• Do you still behave in this way today?
Your answers may help you to decide your communication style. Are you passive; you have got used to being overlooked? Are you aggressive; you get what you want but might hurt someone else’s feelings in the process?
If you would like to learn the skill of being assertive and still be a nice person, get in touch today.